3/17/2005
Burrito Madness
Jean's gone off to do her Canasta thing with that gaggle of old crones she calls her "group." It's just me and the laptop and a freezer full of microwave burritos. And these goddamned cats Jean's filled the place with, of course.
Honest to God, I don't know what's been going on in this house. We used to have real pets. Awhile back there was this gorgeous golden retriever that went by the name of Courage; muscular, obedient, striking. Don't know what happened to that dog. After years of being on assignment or in the newsroom more frequently than at home, I just kind of lost track of the old boy. I suppose he just... faded away.
For a time after that, we had a St. Bernard. Big, meaty, dopey-looking son of a bitch. We called him Goldberg. He was a bad dog. We eventually had to have him shot.
After that, we were without animals for a time. Then, one day, without fanfare, a cat mysteriously appeared in the house. Gradually and insidiously, he was joined by more and more of the furry little mongrels, until you could hardly walk out the door without dancing the long-hair lambada around some flea-bitten feline monstrosity.
The spare room, meanwhile, has made the transformation into a repository for thousands upon thousands of tiny, malodorous Tootsie rolls. Now the whole house reeks like a Houston slaughterhouse at high noon on Fourth of July.
¡Ay Caramba! While I was typing away, I failed to notice the precarious state of my burrito. I've just dropped scalding beans down the hole in my Y-fronts. Damned stuff stings like a Laredo scorpion that caught herpes on shore leave! Gotta go!
Posted by Dan Rather at 6:00 PM
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