CSI TBD
Well, we've just about got it narrowed down... the new spinoff is either going to be CSI: Phoenix or CSI: Billings, Montana.
This is what happens when you rely too heavily on focus groups.
Posted by Les at 11:59:59 PM on 3/31/2005 | Comments (0)
The Gift That Keeps on Giving
Julie's birthday is next week. For a gift, I think I'll get her another gig hosting a reality show. Something classy like a Wife Swap knock-off.
For Christmas, I'm going to have her replace that chick with messed-up hair on Cold Case. Shhhhhh... don't tell!
Posted by Les at 10:04:02 AM on 3/29/2005 | Comments (3)
Confession Time
You know what really frosts my coconuts? When I read people that say I caved into Republicans by not airing The Reagans miniseries. Let me tell you folks something: Les Moonves doesn't cave into anybody! Les Moonves doesn't back down from anything!
People say, "Boy, Les that UPN is a really crummy network. Why don't you just put it out of its misery?" That just makes me want to keep it alive a little bit longer, even if the shows it broadcast make my eyes bleed.
People tell me, "The CBS schedule sure seems too have a few too many procedural crime dramas." I go out and order more. Get ready for Boat Cops! starring Steven Weber and Corbin Bernsen next fall, right after MPs with Judd Hirsch.
People say, "Man, that Big Brother program must surely mark the end of humanity." Well, I've just renewed Big Brother through 2012. Kiss my ass, humanity!
So let's be clear: I didn't pull the plug on The Reagans because I was pressured by anybody. Don't make me laugh.
You want to know why I did it? Fine.
I spiked The Reagans because James Brolin really wigged me out in that Reagan make-up. I mean, serious willies. Look at that creepy bastard! That's the face I see when I close my eyes, and it scares me pissless.
Well, great -- I'm not getting to sleep tonight. Happy now?
Posted by Les at 2:03:02 AM on 3/20/2005 | Comments (0)
Where, Oh Where, Has My CSI Gone?
Called up Anthony Zuiker today to tell him to get cracking on another CSI spinoff.
"I think we're stretched pretty thin with three spinoffs as it is, Mr. Moonves," he said.
"I don't recall asking you to think," I replied. That shut him up pretty good.
The twist to this one is that instead of an crime investigative team led by a relentlessly dedicated man and his sexy female assistant, this version of CSI will star a relentlessly dedicated woman and her sexy male assistant. Also, the male investigator will have a mustache. It's completely different from the other shows.
Right now, I've got the choices for the female part narrowed down to either Meryl Streep, Glenn Close or that Amber chick from Survivor. I want one of those WB kids for the male hottie. I wonder if James Van Der Beek has the range to play a guy with a mustache.
The only thing that's got me stumped is where to set the show. As usual Zuicker was no help.
"Minneapolis?"
"Not cosmopolitan enough."
"Chicago?"
"Too midwestern."
"Los Angeles?"
"Too many weirdos."
"Portland, Maine?"
"Not enough weirdos."
"Dallas?"
"Red states turn off more liberal viewers."
"San Francisco?"
"Blue states will never play in the heartland."
"Long Island?"
"Awfully close to CSI: New York, wouldn't you say, Zuiker?"
"Uh... Jersey?"
"You are just about useless, has anyone ever told you that?"
"You do fairly regularly, Mr. Moonves."
So I do.
Posted by Les at 3:13:40 PM on 3/16/2005 | Comments (3)
Fun and Games for Network Presidents
Time for my favorite to-do of the week: call up a random CSI cast member and fire them for some cockamamie reason. Today, it's Jorja Fox's turn.
My phone call woke her up. "Fox! Why the hell aren't you on the set?" I screamed.
"Wha.. eh... isn't it... Saturday?" she stammered.
"I don't care if it's Ruby Tuesday! We're paying you to be on the set! You're fired!"
"Why are you doing this to me?" she sobbed. "This is the third time you've done this this year. I can't take much more of this."
I'm sure she'll have a good laugh about it once she wakes up and realizes I was kidding.
Now it's time to call up Gary Dourdan and fire him for wearing blue jeans the other day instead of dress slacks.
Posted by Les at 8:15:30 AM on 3/12/2005 | Comments (0)
Aaaaaiiiiiiieeeeee!
I got a horrible shock tonight. I flipped on the TV, and there was Amy Brenneman in this awful show where she's a judge of all things. And she spews out this tepid treacle in these cases which are about as interesting to watch as paint drying.
So what's so shocking about that? It's on my network!. And apparently, it's been on for years.
Jesus, have I been asleep at switch or what?
Posted by Les at 11:01:00 PM on 3/8/2005 | Comments (2)
Dick!
Dick Wolf called me today.
"Nice CSI franchise you got going there," he said.
"Thanks," I said.
"Three shows, huh? Very impressive."
"Like I said, thanks."
"Of course, I have four different Law & Order spinoffs all my own. Maybe one day, you'll be able to pick yourself up off your lazy ass and top that."
I fucking hate Dick Wolf.
Posted by Les at 5:15:00 PM on 3/2/2005 | Comments (2)
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