I’m Back!
I'm back. Thanks for all your comments and well-wishes. No, "Julie" didn't send me a card. But that's okay, because I realized in the hospital that what we had was only an illusion brought on by my previous injuries. Now that I'm better, I'm better, if you know what I mean.
Besides, Karen will need me to be at 100% if I'm to save her from the vacuous life of lying, addiction and capering with sodomites. Karen, your caustic wit and ruthless pragmatism bely your sensitive, observant nature. And I know that you and I revolve around each other in a perfect orbit of love.
And now, my love, I will bring my orbit closer to yours.
Posted by Ed Stevens at 1:12 AM on 3/26/05 | Comments (0)
enter your post title here
hi, i dont really know how to use this post so i hope you forgive any mistakes. i'm bobbys brother tom, and i'm posting to let you know that hell be okay, he was in another car accident, and apparently his face went through the windshield again. the good news is that he appears to have no lasting mental damage this time altho i don't know how he does it because if i was wrapped like a mummy and trapped in a hospital room all day watching will & grace marathons i would crack. anyway, he asked me to check in and say hi, hell be back shortly.
Posted by tom at 4:14 PM on 2/10/05 | Comments (0)
2005!
Happy new year, everyone! I hope everyone's New Year's Eve was as special as mine. Carol -- I mean "Julie" (we all know she's using the name to throw The Imposter off her trail) and I went to the local Italian place for the price fixe meal. "Julie" kept asking me not to call her that. Another disguise? Perhaps The Imposter is onto us.
Or maybe that date service I used didn't get my request to have her use that name all night. They didn't seem to get a lot of things -- but they were sure quick on the uptake when "Julie" called for a ride home. Still, she did let me kiss her on the cheek. I can live with that -- the searing purity of our love transcends fleshly desires.
Still, I wonder why she asked for $200?
Posted by Ed Stevens at 7:31 PM on 1/3/05 | Comments (0)
ED STEVENS' 2005 RESOLUTIONS
1. Improve bowling game.
2. Find doctor to restore my real face.
3. Lose 20 pounds.
4. Get NBC to release "Ed" DVDs so I can use them to prove that The Imposter stole my life.
5. Frame J.D.
6. Make "Julie Bowen" my bride.
Posted by Ed Stevens at 11:18 AM on 1/1/05 | Comments (0)
So It’s Julie Now?
This is the best early Christmas present ever! I just noticed that Carol Vessey's been attempting to throw off The Imposter by going by a pseudonym ... Julie Bowen. And she's still sending me messages via the Internet Anagram Server!
BE IE JUL NOW -- Clearly, it's the lack of extra Ms and Ns in her name that keep her saying she'll be mine now.
BE JULIE OWN -- Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She will be my own!!!!!!!!
JUBLEE NOW -- And there is. Oh, yes, there is
May you and yours have a happy holiday. See you in 2005!
Posted by Ed Stevens at 2:37 AM on 12/22/04 | Comments (0)
Ho Ho Ho
Happy pre-Christmas everyone! I'm super-busy right now ... for some reason, the Post Office keeps returning all the Christmas cards I've sent to Stuckeyville. Because the accident affected some of my longer-term memories, I can't remember my hometown's ZIP code, so I keep using different Ohio zips. For all that Ohio's got 2,998 zip codes, none of them are specifically attached to Stuckeyville. I figure this is a case of the little township being part of a larger one for mail-sorting purposes.
What am I paying my tax dollars for if I can't rely on the Post Office to deliver the mail?
Posted by Ed Stevens at 3:45 PM on 12/15/04 | Comments (0)
STOP!!!!!
OH GOD TELEVISION WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME AGAIN???????????? WASN'T ONCE ENOUGH?
Posted by Ed Stevens at 11:15 PM on 12/1/04 | Comments (0)
Turkey Day
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Things I am thankful for today:
-- My new Ed DVDs, which are helping me prepare my legal defense as I prepare to sue the imposter and win a court ruling forcing Dr. Fassoud to restore my face to its former features.
-- My stash of Neutrogena ads.
-- The Internet Anagram generator.
Did you know that rearranging the letters in Carol's name gives you these clues that she's really meant to be with me?
SAY COS REVEL -- 'Cos we will revel when she says she loves me
ASS CLOY EVER -- This is her way of saying that she also thinks The Imposter is too precious for his own good.
AS CRY EVE SOL -- Yes, I cry morning and night as I think of Carol.
SAVOR CEL YES -- Every cell of my being does savor being alive in the same world as Carol.
SLAY CO SEVER -- Oh, I don't think it's a coincidence that The Imposter's fake name has the letters "C" and "O." And this is what I will do to him.
Hope you all give your loved ones a hug and a kiss. Appreciate them when you can!
Posted by Ed Stevens at 6:47 AM on 11/25/04 | Comments (0)
More On Dennis
On the bright side, perhaps The Imposter has become a sodomite because he realizes he's never going to be good enough for the love of a woman such as Carol.
Posted by Ed Stevens at 4:54 AM on 11/18/04 | Comments (0)
Dennis is a Bastard
Sorry about my previous outburst. I know some of you were concerned.
You see, one of my new favorite shows is "Jack and Bobby." I love this warm, nuanced and idealistic look at us Americans, and it's been a great comfort to me after all the recent election ugliness. And, yes, I even watch the show despite the presence of Dennis Martino. I can see where he'd be forced to change his name and assume a new life after being left at the altar -- love of Carol Vessey is so transforming, and I know all too well how a man's soul can be turned inside out if this golden goddess of humanity's finer feelings turns the light of her love away from you and toward another. So I watch the show with great sympathy toward Dennis Martino. We have our suffering in common. It transcends the dark period in which he was the obstacle between me and my true love. I have forgiven him, because I have seen him suffer.
So I was looking forward to tonight's episode. My brother in arms failed to appear once on screen. I blame HIM. HE was on the episode. Because HE is now mocking me. Was it not enough to steal my woman? Was it not enough to ruin my favorite sitcom? Must he attempt to make EVERYTHING I LOVE soiled with his noxious presence?
Worse still -- why must the doppelganger who stole my life and love now treat them so cheaply by CHEATING on sweet precious Carol with OTHER MEN?
Posted by Ed Stevens at 4:44 AM on 11/18/04 | Comments (0)
WHY?????
OH GOD TELEVISION WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME????????????
Posted by Ed Stevens at 10:44 PM on 11/17/04 | Comments (0)
Soap Opera
Neutrogena wrote back, something about "appropriate legal action." HA! See how well you fund those lawyers when your pennies dry up. I am telling everyone I know not to buy Neutrogena while that skeletal child is hawking their wares. Several people in the drugstore even agreed after I explained how they were persecuting me. I even watched them in line. At least, I could until security asked me to leave.
Ah, well. This frees up the afternoon for my usual crying jag.
Posted by Ed Stevens at 11:30 AM on 11/3/04 | Comments (0)
Visit with Doc F
Doctor's appointment today. Dr. Fassoud looked at the photo I brought in and said, "This isn't usually among the faces I get when I ask what you had in mind."
"But that is my face," I said. "This actor actually went and stole my facial features. That's why Carol Vessey fell in love with him. She and I were together before he came along, and this jealous Canadian freak took my features for his own. And then he arranged for me to be in a car accident. When I woke up, I had massive head trauma, my girlfriend was going out with him, and my face looked totally different."
Dr. Fassoud backed out. And he sent a nurse to escort me out of the office. This is the fourth time this has happened. I am getting tired of writing letters to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons. They still won't tell me why they haven't removed these quack's licenses. I am also tired of wondering why nobody will take my money and restore my face. Am I consigned to a living hell?
Posted by Ed Stevens at 7:35 PM on 10/28/04 | Comments (0)
Bring Her Back!!
Finished poking eyes out of new Neutrogena ads and used scraps to form letters in note explaining to Neutrogena officials that they will suffer if they don't fire their current actress model and return lissome English teacher Carol Vessey to her rightful place in the campaign. BRING BACK Carol Vessey. It hurts me to pass up using the Neutrogena Men skin care line, but those jerks don't deserve another dime until Carol's back in the ads.
Posted by Ed Stevens at 4:35 AM on 10/24/04 | Comments (0)
Plasma II
Anyone got cheap plasma TV recommendations?
Yes, I kicked in another TV tonight. Why did no-one warn me that the man who stole my life had a recurring role? And why must the Universe torment me by letting Carol slip from my fingers, only to land in the arms of the man who's cheating on her with Becky from Roseanne? BECKY!
Posted by Ed Stevens at 10:25 PM on 10/19/04 | Comments (0)
Plasma
I'm looking for plasma TV recommendations. It's time for me to upgrade to a better picture quality.
Besides, I kicked in the ol' Triniton tonight. That bastard who stole my identity was on my favorite sitcom, Scrubs. I lost control. I'm not proud of losing my temper, but I think it's understandable. The bastard did steal my girlfriend, and now he's trying to steal the one half-hour of laughter in my life.
Posted by Ed Stevens at 10:05 PM on 10/12/04 | Comments (0)
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