Oh The Places You'll Mow!
I've made up with Rosie, I'm happy to say,
We talked it all over at Sizzler one day,
We said sorry and hugged, it was really quite sweet,
While we penned a new meaning to "all you can eat."
She said she was joking, it got out of hand,
Through a mouthful of shrimp, I could just understand,
"No no, I'm just kidding, I'm not being catty,
Don't get your huge panties all bunched up, you fatty."
And for my own part, I told Rosie the truth,
As we ate through the table and most of the booth
We've buried the hatchet, now everything's coo'
And the cow wrote some nice things on her web site, too.
For the moment at least, I still have a show
I've lost seven pounds, too, as far as you know.
I hope it goes on until I'm super-thin
Then I'll start the whole cycle all over again.
Posted by ka at 10:23 PM on 3/21/2005 | Comments (0)
Ms. O'Donnell Can Moo, Can You?
I've had it, O'Donnell, I'm tired of your guff
Of your fatty hypocrisy I've had enough.
It's easy for you to be such a big jerk
You can be fat and bitchy if you don't need work.
Or perhaps you can't find any real work to do
Your last role was an octopus in Flintstones 2
Which is only appropriate, if you ask me,
Since your breath smells like something from under the sea.
Your singular talent is flapping your jaw
When you're not stuffing Mallomars into your maw.
Brought me up in your stand-up act, that took some gall,
Frankly I'm shocked you can stand up at all.
To say that I'm fat is the height of depravity
When your massive girth generates it's own gravity.
Best watch what you eat, you enormous baboon,
If you scarf one more Ho Ho you'll bring down the moon.
And your own weight is only 220, you say?
Yeah, right, maybe back on your seventh birthday.
You wouldn't dip down to two hundred and one
If a surgeon lopped off both your boobs and one bun.
Watch your back honey, that's what you should do
If your flabbity forearms aren't blocking the view.
You'd better watch out what you say, Queen of Crass.
Butch you may be, but I'll still kick your ass.
Posted by ka at 6:58 PM on 3/16/2005 | Comments (0)
One Critic, Two Critic, Read Critic, Screw Critic
You say that I'm vulgar and silly and shrill
You've seen funnier things on your cellular bill
I overact spastically, like I'm on meth,
Two minutes in, you were praying for death.
Well now that you've finished, I have to declare
You might pull your head out and breathe some fresh air
My performance is purposely dripping with ham
So that people don't think that's the way that I am.
(Although, to be honest, it basically is,
But you never can show your true face in this biz.)
But how could you know that? You're writers, not doers,
That's why you're not actors, you're only reviewers.
You clearly don't get what I'm trying to do
So the hell with you, Schwarzbaum, and Tommy Shales, too.
And McDonough and Brownfield and haters like that
If I find you, I'll sit on you, then you'll be flat.
Posted by ka at 11:29 PM on 3/10/2005 | Comments (0)
Premieres and Ham
The show starts tonight and my stomach's aflutter
I could only eat one ham and two sticks of butter.
Will the audience love it? I really hope so.
'Cause if this doesn't work out, I'm back on the blow.
Posted by ka at 3:32 PM on 3/7/2005 | Comments (0)
Rosie O'Donnell, Will You Please Go Now?
Rosie, you sow, why you're at it again,
You say I'm a liar, a fat charlatan,
You call me a fraud 'cause I fibbed once or twice;
Aren't you the broad they once called "Queen of Nice?"
I said I'm 200, so what's the big deal?
It's not like I made you miss out on a meal.
I told a white lie, now is that such a crime?
If you're going to defame me, at least you could rhyme.
Posted by ka at 2:33 PM on 3/3/2005 | Comments (0)
Horton Hears A Ho'
This morning: a call, from a friend in a rage,
"You should see what O'Donnell put up on her page!"
I set down my turkey leg, swallowed my bite,
And fired up my browser to check Rosie's site.
She saw me and Lauer, she sets out to say,
And took umbrage at how much I claim that I weigh.
"I choked on my yodel," she exclaims with glee,
(Is that what they call it, her lover and she?)
It goes on to say a whole bunch of weird stuff,
Not sure what it's all about; probably muff.
I'll just let it go without raising the tension
It is, after all, just a very small mention.
Posted by ka at 2:32 PM on 2/23/2005 | Comments (0)
Kirstie and the Oobleck
Today I was washing my bust in the shower
A weekly endeavor that takes me an hour
With plenty of soap (I use one bar for each)
And a two-foot long loofah to scrub in the breach.
When I found, in a melted wad, beneath my right,
A Hershey's Kiss I thought I'd lost Christmas night
And though it spent three weeks tucked under my teat,
I gobbled it up. Hey, a treat is a treat.
Posted by ka at 11:12 PM on 1/15/2005 | Comments (0)
Horton Pitches A Show
I wanted to tell you about my new show
"Fat Actress," it's called. It's on Showtime, you know.
They're hoping, like me, their sad ratings will grow
'Cause they're getting their asses kicked by HBO.
A while back I spoke with my good friend John T.
Of the wonders and joys of Scientology.
"You know what would be super weird?" said he,
"If you could get thin being fat on TV."
I thought for a bit, then I said, "What the heck,
I'll show up, be fat, and they'll cut me a check.
I'll be playing me, that won't be very hard,
Like that show two years back where I played a fat tard."
So I rang up SHO, and discovered with glee
That network is even more desperate than me
"You're fat and make fat jokes? That's edgy!" they said,
"Between you and the lesbos we might pull ahead."
I hope you'll all tune in for our March debut,
There'll be butt jokes aplenty. I might lose weight, too.
To become thin and rich, I must be fat and loud?
What a goofy idea. L. Ron would be proud.
Posted by ka at 11:12 PM on 12/27/2004 | Comments (0)
The Lauerax
I'm scheduled to be interviewed by Matt Lauer
From questions of fat, I do not plan to cower.
Well, perhaps on my weight I might fib just a bit.
If I say I'm 200, will Matt throw a fit?
I doubt that he will, who would be such a cad?
Is fudging a pound or ten really that bad?
I imagine most people will just let it slide,
It would take a real bitch to point out that I lied.
Posted by ka at 4:33 PM on 12/18/2004 | Comments (0)
And To Think That I Saw It On The Internet
You've entered the weblog of Miss Kirstie Alley
Not that fat guy from "Yes Dear" who's named Mike O'Malley
But if fat's what your after, I'm big as a whale
Settle in for a bit, and I'll spin my huge tale.
Perhaps you recall me from "Summer School" with
The likes of Mark Harmon and Courtney Thorne-Smith
(If that sounds like the kind of thing you'd like to see,
It still airs twice a week over on TNT.)
I was in "Look Who's Talking" as Mom of the brat
(And parts two and three, but I don't talk of that.)
My arrival on Cheers is now hailed as the mark
Where the show had officially hurdled the shark.
Back then I was thinner and quite a bit cuter
Thanks in part to the coke I snarfed up with my hooter.
My overbooked schedule was busy as hell
There was hardly the time for my booty to swell.
But when Cheers decided to call it a day
I walked off the lot and into the buffet
I ate prime rib and pot roast and pig's feet and pie
I'd consume a whole cow without batting an eye
Veronica's Closet brought new hope for me
But the net cruelly axed it after season three.
I guess that the audience just wasn't ready
For a broad like a bear stuffed into a teddy.
So I ate
And I ate
And I ate
And I ate
Some days, for good measure, I'd ingest the plate.
The offers stopped coming, my prospects were dim,
My boyfriend ran off, for fear I'd eat him,
With no show and no man, the money was tight,
I could barely afford my ten Big Macs a night.
So I went to the doctor to staple my gut
And to get fatty tissue sucked out of my butt,
He said, "Miss, I'm sorry, please don't be upset,
But they don't make a vacuum that powerful yet."
Instead, he suggested I start up a blog
As an aid to becoming less of a fat hog
He told me to check out this TeeVeePad place
Because hands that are typing aren't stuffing my face.
Posted by ka at 1:32 PM on 12/15/2004 | Comments (0)
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