2005 Oscars Live Blog

Jason Snell ( 4:11 PM):

It’s time for the TeeVee Oscars 2005 live blog.

Here we go.

Monty Ashley ( 4:30 PM):

I was just told that Kathy Griffin was hosting the E! Red Carpet foolishness, so I rushed out to the living room. And now I’m looking at Star Jones and Spike Lee, who is pimping the “New Jordans 22.” It’s not quite what I was hoping for.

In other news, although we’re not having a proper “Oscar Party” here, we have gone crazy with the food. We have homemade lemonade and deviled eggs right now, and the chocolate ice cream should be ready in a couple hours.

Philip Michaels ( 4:47 PM):

I do not go in for any this pre-ceremony talkie-talk. Just as I have no interest in what Terry Bradshaw and Howie Long think about Tom Brady’s chances against the Eagle defense, I can’t even pretend to care about the red-carpet arrivals in which the nominees mouth bland pleasantries to whatever fawning sycophant ABC has hired for this evening’s festivities. I would much rather defrost the crab puffs I will be serving to guests later this evening.

That said, we have just flipped by the coverage on our local ABC affiliate here in Los Angeles, and the aforementioned fawning sycophant correspondent was interviewing Best Supporting Actress nominee Virginia Madsen. Ms. Madsen holds a special place in my heart, and no, it’s not because her brother starred in Vengeance Unlimited, which I understand was a vastly underrated show. Rather, I feel a certain fondness for Virginia Madsen because back in the mid-1980s when the motion picture Creator first began airing in perpetuity on HBO, I got to see her boobs.

This more than made up for having to also endure a movie starring Vincent Spano.

Look, I don’t mean to be a cad here. But when you are a male between the ages of eleven and fourteen, you tend to remember landmark moments like seeing somebody’s boobs — the seminal events where you can stand up in your local cineplex and say, “Today, I put away childish things for today I become a man.” And for me, Virginia Madsen in Creator, Jamie Lee Curtis in Trading Places, and that chick who appeared in Just One of the Guys before dropping off the face of the earth form Phil’s Grand Troika of Boobage.

So I’m rooting for Virginia Madsen tonight. No offense to Cate Clanchett, Laura Linney, Sophie Okonedo and Natalie Portman who are all fine actresses, I’m sure. But in the mid-1980s, did anyone of them selflessly remove their tops to usher me into adulthood? Did any of them have to withstand getting pawed by Vincent Spano on camera so that I could become a man? Did any of them cause me to break the pause button on my parents’ VCR remote control?

No, no, and no again. Thanks for nothing, ladies.

Monty Ashley ( 4:59 PM):

The red carpet looks terrifying. There’s a lot of screaming, even from people who can’t see the back of Star Jones’s dress. And poor Johnny Depp has to shuffle from Star Jones to a Rivers to whoever ABC’s got, and the whole time he’s clearly thinking “That does it, never again will I do a movie where I might accidentally get nominated. It’s all pirates and corpses from here on.”

Jason Snell ( 5:34 PM):

It always makes me sad to see Roger Ebert on the red carpet. I suppose it does it because he likes it, but it seems demeaning to me.

Although he is the only person interviewing celebrities who’s actually seen their movies.

Now, here comes Chris Rock…

Monty Ashley ( 5:36 PM):

Chris Rock has just taken the controversial stance that “Rocky V sucks”! Good thing they brought someone in to spice things up.

Jason Snell ( 5:37 PM):

Why is it that Chris Rock is getting played out to the theme from “The Terminator?” Are they implying that he’s a killer robot that’s been sent from the future? Or that killer robots will appear later in the movie, from the future, to prevent a wrong from happening?

As long as there are killer robots I’ll be happy.

Monty Ashley ( 5:47 PM):

The Art Direction nominees are all lined up on stage next to Halle Berry before the award is given out. This is one of those “improvements” that’s supposed to speed the show up, but I’m pretty sure the real reason is so they don’t have to give these guys seats. After the award ceremony, these guys will all be hustled out the door to make more room for stars

Sorry if I sound bitter, but the red carpet ceremony has made me hate all celebrities.

Jason Snell ( 5:57 PM):

To all the people who complained about Chris Rock being the host tonight… his monologue killed. Absolutely killed. I laughed so hard that I cried. And by being self-deprecating (“Pootie Tang” references included) he managed to defuse any possible bad feelings based on his material.

Monty Ashley ( 6:00 PM):

The Incredibles won! I thought they would, but I was a little worried about Shrek 2. I strongly approve of the decision to put the entertaining costume-lady character (who was voiced by Brad Bird) in the clip. She was my favorite part!

And now, I am telling Tivo that I am not interested in Carnivale tonight. I think the Academy Awards will give me all I need in the area of incomprehensible freaks.

Philip Michaels ( 6:03 PM):

I feel like a fraud participating in this Oscar blog, seeing as how I did not actually bother to see any of the movies that were nominated for the Best Picture. In fact, of the six major awards, I have seen precisely zero of the nominees.

This shouldn’t be taken as a collective thumbs down from me on the apparent merits of Ray or Sideways or The Aviator. It’s just that given a choice between slogging out to the local multiplex and sitting comfortably on my couch, I think I’m going to have to opt for the couch, cap’n.

On my couch, I can rewind if I miss a pertinent bit of dialogue. Should a director decide he can’t possibly confine his story to a compact two-hour running time — I’m looking your way, Marty and Oliver — I can make judicious use of the pause button. Also, in my house, refreshments are reasonably priced and aren’t served in containers the size of oil drums.

But mostly, I don’t go to movies because I’m having an increasingly harder time dealing with what Jean-Paul Satre would call the hell of other people. Between the cell phones going off and the constant jibber-jabber, going to the movies is an exercise in unending frustration. At least when I watching something on DVD or on cable at home, if someone’s behaving like a thoughtless jackass, it’s most likely me.

And yet, even though I don’t see movies two, three years after they come out, I watch the Oscars every year without fail. I watch every television show ever created, and you couldn’t pay me to tune into the Emmys. I don’t know how to explain that.

Which is another way of saying, expect Monty and Jason to do all the heavy lifting tonight.

Monty Ashley ( 6:04 PM):

Drew Barrymore: “Our first nomination in the category Original Song is from The Chorus, a lovely and inspiring film about a group of unruly orphans and delinquents whose lives are changed through singing.”

Me: “I wonder if that ice cream is ready yet.”

(Note: my girlfriend points out that it’s weird to have Beyonce singing this French song when they have Johnny Depp’s wife, an actual French pop star, right there.)

Jason Snell ( 6:06 PM):

I am a huge fan of Pixar’s movies. Every one of them has been good, and more than that, they’re timeless — rather than relying on pop culture jokes that will be dated in five years or less, these are films on par with the early Walt Disney films. They will be treasured for generations to come. They work on multiple levels, so both kids and adults can appreciate them. And the art and beauty of the animation is second to none.

So it’s hard to express just how happy I am that Brad Bird now has an Oscar for “The Incredibles,” a PG-rated gamble that turned out to be a hit, an artistic triumph, and one of the finest films (bar none) that I have ever seen. He probably deserved one for “The Iron Giant,” too, but the category didn’t exist back then.

And even sweeter? “Incredibles” beat out two pop-culture-based films that will be creaky and out of date before 2010: “Shark Tale” and archenemy Dreamworks’ “Shrek 2.” I enjoyed “Shrek 2” just fine, but… it’s disposable. “The Incredibles,” on the other hand, is indispensible. And now it’s got Pixar’s second Best Animated Feature Oscar.

Lisa Schmeiser ( 6:09 PM):

I think it’s fabulous that they invited Elvira to give out “Best Supporting Actor.”

Oh, wait. The caption says that’s Renee Zellweger. So is this like when she gained weight for Bridget Jones, or what?

Jason Snell ( 6:10 PM):

Which is another way of saying, expect Monty and Jason to do all the heavy lifting tonight.

Um, Phil? Father of two, including a six-month-old, here. I am lucky to see a movie every zillion years. (I think I saw three in the past year: “Incredibles,” “Polar Express,” and “Spider-Man 2.”)

I do have NetFlix, though, so I’m getting caught up.

Chris Rywalt ( 6:10 PM):

Here at the Rywalt household, we are having our annual Oscars Party, which entails forgetting the Oscars were even on and doing things having nothing to do with movies.

I should note, though, that on our way home up the New Jersey Turnpike we stopped in the movie theater off exit 13A so William could go potty.

Lisa Schmeiser ( 6:11 PM):

… is that now Morgan Freeman never has to make another Ashley Judd movie where he plays second banana EVER AGAIN.

Membership to the Academy has its privileges.

Philip Michaels ( 6:11 PM):

I agree with Jason — Chris Rock had a great monologue tonight. But nothing will ever, ever equal the line he got off at the MTV Video Music Awards a few years back: “Ricky Martin needs another hit the way a crack addict needs another hit.”

Also, one of my favorite traditions in the Oscar monologue is when the director cuts to someone only vaguely related to what the host is talking about. (“Quick, Rock’s talking about black actors — get me a shot of Morgan Freeman!”) Tonight’s winner: when Chris Rock started talking about Michael Moore, they cut to a shot of Spike Lee. (“Quick, get me an angry malcontent!”)

Philip Michaels ( 6:20 PM):

… Michael Eisner savagely beats an intern.

Lisa Schmeiser ( 6:26 PM):

Either Beyonce is as surprised by Drew Barrymore’s Oscar-Goes-Goth look as we were, or her hair is pulled just a little too tightly.

Lisa Schmeiser ( 6:30 PM):

I think it’s so nice of L’Oreal to put Andie McDowell in the ads that air during the Oscars. Because that’s the closest she’s ever going to get to the awards themselves.

Lisa Schmeiser ( 6:35 PM):

This business of putting all the nominees up on the stage is shaking things up only in the sense that it’s shaking up my associations of an award ceremony with my associations of a beauty contest. And I keep expecting to see the costume designers all wearing sashes and tiaras, and clutching each others’ hands as they all wait for a big tiara.

What? You have to admit it would be more interesting.

Monty Ashley ( 6:36 PM):

We are now asked to please welcome “The lovable Mike Myers”.

I’m a little worried that there’s another Mike Myers besides the one we know about (and that lovable scamp in the Halloween movies), but it turns out to be good ol’ Wayne Campbell. And unlike Robin Williams, he knows better than to caper around the stage! This is a good sign.

Steve Lutz ( 6:37 PM):

Holy crap, my nice old Aunt Thelma just won an Oscar! I had no idea she was a film editor in her spare time. How she makes time for it in between her three bowling leagues and her quilting circle I’ll never know.

Steve Lutz ( 6:46 PM):

You know the Oscar telecast is starting to wear on you when a tepid pop tune by a washed up band you didn’t like in the first place actually seems like a positive development. I dunno, maybe I just enjoyed the song because Counting Crows have apparently fired Adam Duritz and replaced him with Kid from Kid’n’Play.

I knew that chef’s hat hairstyle of his couldn’t stand up like that forever.

Lisa Schmeiser ( 6:48 PM):

So as we watched Zana Briski and her visible sternum accept the Oscar for Best Documentary, we couldn’t help but hope that she’d maybe relax and eat a sandwich after the show.

Hey, we hear that Morgan Spurlock guy has some nice things to say about the McRib. You should chat after this!

Philip Michaels ( 6:48 PM):

It was Entertainment Weekly, I think, that wrote a piece a few years ago about how the Best Original Song Oscar was startingly irrelevant until Bruce Springsteen decided to grace us with his presence a decade ago and mutter a few words about Philadelphia and its streets. Like most things printed in the pages of Entertainment Weekly, this is pure nonsense.

Oscar-winning and -nominated songs used to be cool. Go over to IMDB right now, and scroll through the list of winners and nominees, and it’s a veritable who’s who of the Great American Songbook. Yes, things went off the rails in the early ’70s when they started giving statuettes to tepid love songs from disaster movies. (Seriously, folks: “The Morning After?” From The Poseidon Adventure? I wouldn’t play that at a junior prom.) But the situation recovered by the end of the decade when songs from Fame and An Officer and a Gentlemen took home trophies.

But these days? It’s interchangeable swill penned by Dianne Warren about how we’ll never have a chance to love again and how this is our chance for love and how I love loving you and here’s your chance for loving me.

You take this Phantom of the Opera song that got nominated. We’re talking about an actual musical here, for God’s sake, and what song is up for an award? The one that plays over the end credits as people flee the theater to cleanse their minds of the abominations that Andrew Lloyd Weber and Joel Schumacher have wrought upon them. One that has nothing to do with the movie in which it appears!

And yes… one of the few movies I actually saw in the theater last year was Phantom of the Opera. You got a problem with that?

Philip Michaels ( 6:51 PM):

… that the Academy voters did not watch Creator when it first began airing in perpetuity on HBO in the mid-80s.

Which is their loss, really.

Lisa Schmeiser ( 6:52 PM):

I don’t care what anyone says, I think it’s sweet that Rob Lowe lent good buddy Mike Myers his hairstyle for the evening.

Lisa Schmeiser ( 6:53 PM):

Also, I think it’s awesome that Sideshow Bob lent his hair to Adam Duritz. It bespeaks a real generosity of spirit on Sideshow Bob’s part.

Of course, somewhere, Justin Guarini is weeping. And bald.

Monty Ashley ( 6:55 PM):

Like many of you, I used to make fun of Al Pacino for his tendency to feast on scenery and shout his way through movies. But watching his Sidney Lumet introduction, I’d give anything for a “Hoo-ahh!” to break up the droning. You bore me, Al. Get on with it.

Philip Michaels ( 7:03 PM):

Because it took me forever to get the hors d’oversout of the oven — I overcooked the shrimp I’m afraid — I’m about 15 minutes behind the actual Oscar telecast. But because I am instant messaging with Monty , it’s like I’m actually watching the awards show live. This is making me seem amazingly prescient with my Oscar guesses. But, thanks to heads-ups from Monty, it is also serving as a very effective early warning system.

Danger! Danger! Unending Al Pacino speech ahead!

Philip Michaels ( 7:07 PM):

In his ongoing introduction to Sidney Lumet’s award, did I or did I not hear Al Pacino refer to one of Lumet’s pictures as The Pornbroker?

You know, I think I saw that movie. It wasn’t nearly as good as The Pawnbroker but I think Ashlyn Gere did a fine job in the Rod Steiger role.

Monty Ashley ( 7:09 PM):

Apparently, Robin Williams was planning on singing a song about the anmation awards. Originally it was too political (or something), so a later version had Williams become “a fabulous, lisping character dishing up the latest juicy gossip”. Faced with that alternative, I guess I don’t mind that he just recycled bits from Dead Poet’s Society.

Lisa Schmeiser ( 7:18 PM):

So when Emmy Rossum walked out, was I the only person who thought, “Good God! They decapitated Renee Zellweger and screwed Emmy Rossum’s head onto the stump”?

Also, while it’s nice to see that Beyonce’s face did not sage into Shar-Pei-like folds after her eyebrows were released from the previous hairstyle, it’s a little troubling that she’s now wearing the chandelier from The Phantom of the Opera. Beyonce! You’re only singing the wretched made-for-the-movie treacle! You’re not supposed to wear a major plot device from the movie.

Lisa Schmeiser ( 7:21 PM):

It was so sweet of Jeremy Irons to drop in on the awards after a busy day of hanging out at the dojo.

Philip Michaels ( 7:22 PM):

So thus far in the program, Beyonce has come out and sang “Look to Your Path” (in French!) and “Learn to be Lovely” (in the language of tripe that Andrew Lloyd Weber composes in!). Later tonight, I hear she’s going to come out and hum the Best Original Score nominees.

Monty Ashley ( 7:28 PM):

What, she can sing in French but not Spanish? She should at least be out here writhing around Antonio Banderas like they had a Phantom of the Opera writhing around her.

Philip Michaels ( 7:35 PM):

You know, if they ever decide to turn The Patty Duke Show into a big-screen adaptation, they could do a lot worse than cast Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz as Patty and Cathy.

They walk alike
They talk alike
Sometimes, their necklines plunge alike
You will lose your mind!
When Oscar presenters
Are two of a kind!

Monty Ashley ( 7:38 PM):

The Children’s March has just won for Short Documentary. And Born Into Brothels won for feature-length Documentary, so I think, for purposes of predicting Documentary winners, Children are the new Holocaust.

That’s kind of an odd sentence to type.

Lisa Schmeiser ( 7:38 PM):

So we’re watching Antonio Banderas sing and there’s something imperceptibly different about him. Is it the hair? No — it’s still flopping around. Is it the smoldering? No. He’s still setting off smoke alarms in the greater Hollywood area.

Ah! Got it! His eyes aren’t pleading, “Kill me. Kill me now! KILL. ME.”

It’s amazing what happens when a team of crisis workers pries 110 pounds of aging starlet off a suffocating man.

Philip Michaels ( 7:50 PM):

Chris Rock says, “Oprah is so rich, I saw John Kerry proposing to her an hour ago.”

Cut to Oprah Winfrey in the crowd with a look on her face that seems to scream, “Have Richard Pryor killed!”

“But Oprah, that’s not Richard Pryor, that’s Chri…”

“Do as I say!”

Monty Ashley ( 7:52 PM):

Quick thoughts:

Is Yo-Yo Ma dead? Oh, wait, he’s just being shown playing. Get it? I pretended I thought he was in the roll of dead people, but he was live!

Reagan gets to be first. I guess he was pretty prominent.

too bad they couldn’t find a Fay Wray clip that didn’t have a giant monkey in it.

Russ Meyer made it in. Take that, respectable cinema!

Rodney Dangerfield, too. They don’t judge people; it you were in movies, you get to be featured.

But if you’re Marlon Brando, you get to have dialogue too. So I guess they judge a little.

I wonder if they had Yo-Yo Ma playing in an attempt to keep people from applauding each name. It didn’t work, but it’s still harder to judge who was being mourned more ostentatiously.

Philip Michaels ( 7:56 PM):

I do not care for this innovation of handing out the awards in the audience. It’s as if the presenter showed up just seconds before he was supposed to go on. “You won’t believe what a bitch traffic was on the 101 tonight. Ah hell, I’ll just read the nominees from the foyer.”

Chris Rock, as always, captured the sentiment: “Next year, I hear they’re giving out awards in the parking lot.”

Monty Ashley ( 8:00 PM):

I think I understand why they keeping dragging Beyonce out (now in her third appearance, singing the Polar Express song). I’m pretty sure they’re doing it on purpose to invite mockery, in the hopes that it will distract people like me from noticing just how bad this song is. It’s so bad it could be on American Idol.

Boy, I hope those giant trains in the background aren’t just props. This performance could really use a few tons of metal grinding Beyonce to dust.

And now I’m forced to tell Tivo I want to keep watching this instead of switching to VH-1 Classic to watch The Alternative. That was tough. I could be watching a Devo video right now!

Monty Ashley ( 8:02 PM):

You know, if you sing your acceptance speech, the orchestra can’t cut you off.

Lisa Schmeiser ( 8:10 PM):

Know why Prince is so special? Because not every man can pull off sequined bell-bottoms and a close-cut purple velvet coat. And Audrey Hepburn’s eyeliner.

Come to think of it, not too many women could either.

Oh, Prince, we’re a slave 2 u.

Jason Snell ( 8:11 PM):

Sean Penn used to not show up for the awards. Now he shows up, berates the host for jokes that he misunderstood, and slurs strange praise of actresses.

Go home, Sean. Or go back to Iraq and write more silly stories for the San Francisco Chronicle. But just go.

(Update: Chris Rock: “My [gigantic, tough] accountants would like a word with you.” Nicely done, Mr. Host.)

Philip Michaels ( 8:16 PM):

So if you’re ever having a party and you just need someone to bring down the room, by all means, invite Sean Penn.

Sean, Jude Law is very well-compensated for all the middling movies he makes. He hardly needs you to fight his battles with that meanie Chris Rock and the cruel laugh we’ve all had at his expense.

Lisa Schmeiser ( 8:18 PM):

Immediately after the announcer said, “Coming up: Gwyneth Paltrow,” my friend Erin said, “Oh, good. Fishstick.”

Steve Lutz ( 8:21 PM):

As you are no doubt painfully aware, every year the Oscar telecast is interspersed with live performances of the Best Song nominees. I have to assume this is done in order to break up the endless stream of awards presentations with some small modicum of entertainment. There are two basic problems with this concept.

The first has already been pointed out by my good friend Phil: These songs do not entertain. They do not bring relief from the tedium. They make me want to die.

The second is that the songwriters are unfairly being handed a huge chunk of the Oscar telecast in which to show off their stuff. Frankly, I think it’s time we gave equal consideration to nominees in the other categories. In the interest of fairness, and in the interest of not having to hear these horrible fucking songs anymore, I submit the following dumb ideas for next year’s show:

* Let each team of animators come out and cobble together a humorous flip book.

* Invite the Best Achievement in Editing nominees to come out at fifteen minute intervals and discuss which parts of the previous fifteen shitty minutes they would have cut out if the show wasn’t live.

* Give the sound effects guys a microphone and let them provide wacky aural accompaniment to the awards presenters.

* Let the Best Achievement in Makeup folks each take a shot at making Joan Rivers look lifelike.

* Have the special effects guys just come out and stand on stage for the amusement and derision of the crowd.

* And for the cinematographers, you guessed it, camera racing!

Is it obvious yet that I have nothing constructive to add?

Chris Rywalt ( 8:22 PM):

I’ve only watched maybe ten minutes of the Oscars as Dawn has buzzed back and forth through our TiVo buffer, and yet I’m already tired of saying, “Would it have killed you to wear a tie?”

Also, I am converting to Christianity. Now that I’ve seen Hilary Swank’s back in that dress, I am certain that there’s a God, He’s a He, and He loves me.

Philip Michaels ( 8:23 PM):

Since I’ve been seeing promos for Blind Justice since early January, I’ve taken to amusing myself by imagining dialogue for the show.

“I may be the one who’s blind. But it’s you who can’t see!”

“Well, actually, detective, I can see.”

“I was speaking metaphorically, you jerk!”

Considering that the cast includes Rena Sofer — the female equivalent of Show Killin’ Ted McGinley — I’d say catch Blind Justice while you can.

Lisa Schmeiser ( 8:32 PM):

You realize Jamie Foxx is the first member of the In Living Color show to win an Oscar, right?

I would have bet on a Wayans getting there first — statistical odds would have favored it — but this ain’t too bad either. And somewhere, Jim Carrey is wondering what he has to do to get the Academy to even look at him.

Lisa Schmeiser ( 8:36 PM):

So I thought Julia Roberts’ habit of making the Academy Awards the “All About Julia” awards had peaked when she turned the “Best Actor” awards into an opportunity to carry on about her good friend Denzel Washington.

But no — tonight, she’s all, “Happy birthday, Marva.” And while that might have been sweet, it totally takes away from the fact that the Best Director awards are not about Julia, and so now is not the time when we need to be privy to Julia’s social interactions.

Monty Ashley ( 8:41 PM):

What’s-his-name Cates got a lot of bad press coming into the show — and frankly, way too much press than he should get, because who cares who produces the Oscars? — but the thing really is ending only twelve minutes overtime. That’s pretty short, really.

Greg Knauss ( 8:42 PM):

The kids are in bed, the house is cleaned up, the clothes are washed and I’m free to sit down and start watching the Oscar—

Aw, fuck.

Philip Michaels ( 8:43 PM):

So to sum up tonight’s winners:

Ex-Electric Company cast members: 1 award.

In Living Color alums: 1 award

Actresses who appeared on 90210: 1 award

Guys who starred in Rawhide: Many, many awards.

Who does the cast of M*A*S*H* have to kill to get themselves a guady trinket?