We watch... so you don't have to.
Got Anything I Can Take for a Flaccid Metaphor?
Far be it from me to impugn the wondrousness of its effects. And don't think for an instant I wish to extinguish the tiny glimmer of hope I see when American society wavers in its Puritanical stance against recreational chemicals. But last I checked, there were no massive ad campaigns for powdered rhinoceros horn and we almost wiped an entire species from the face of the Earth buying that. So do we really need TV advertising for Viagra?
More to the point, do we need ads showing Rafael Palmeiro shilling for the "blue diamond" over footage of his hitting home runs? Yes, I think I get it now: Rafael takes Viagra and now he can SWING his BAT really HARD. His BALLS are now VERY POWERFUL. Yes, thanks to you, Pfizer, Rafael can now SCORE more FREQUENTLY.
I would like to propose some further possible ad campaigns, then, in the interests of improved subtlety:
- Sean Connery drives into a car dealership and trades his Aston Martin for a Hummer H2.
- Former astronaut John Glenn waxes philosophical about the power of persistence as we watch footage of the Mercury Atlas 6 rocket during lift-off.
- KISS guitarist Paul Stanley speaks about getting it up for audiences of thousands while we see him trading in his signature guitar for a much larger solid-body model.
- Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger declaims on the value of being a stand-up politician during a browse through Havana Studios' cigar selection.
- Architect Daniel Libeskind orates about rising in the face of adversity while behind him we see the erection of the New World Trade Center skyscraper.
- Former president Bill Clinton discusses standing up to the forces conspiring against you while posed in front of the Washington Monument.
- Former presidential intern Monica Lewinsky discusses standing up to the forces conspiring against you while posed in front of the Washington Monument.
No charge, Pfizer, although I could use some free samples.
