We watch... so you don't have to.
Super Critic: Enter the Catty Woman
SUPER CRITIC is standing at the bar with his old friend PROFESSOR EXASPERATED.
SUPER CRITIC
Professor Exasperated, you're really pounding those drinks down!PROFESSOR EXASPERATED
It you were locked in a room with Bill Maher for three days, you'd be doing the same thing.SUPER CRITIC
Well, when you put it that way.... drink yourself silly, old friend. Drink yourself silly.PROFESSOR EXASPERATED
What have you been up to?SUPER CRITIC
Same old same old. Had to bust up the Telly Savalas Gang...PROFESSOR EXASPERATED
Again? What were they up to?SUPER CRITIC
Penny-ante stuff. They kidnapped Ted Danson's toupee, and threatened to destroy it unless they received $20 million dollars in gold bullion.PROFESSOR EXASPERATED
Those fiends! Well, obviously you got it back.SUPER CRITIC
Of course! You should have seen Danson. He wept like a baby.PROFESSOR EXASPERATED
I like happy endings.SUPER CRITIC
So do I...
Right at that moment, THE MISANTHROPE pulls up to the bar.
MISANTHROPE
(to bartender)
Scotch and water.SUPER CRITIC
Misanthrope! How's it hanging, big fella?MISANTHROPE
Ahhh, I had to punish Tony Danza today.SUPER CRITIC
Really?MISANTHROPE
Yeah, he was planning to do another one of his cabaret shows.PROFESSOR EXASPERATED
Tony Danza? Tony Danza sings?MISANTHROPE
Well, not anymore.SUPER CRITIC
I'm afraid to ask... but what did you do to him?MISANTHROPE
I just put the fear of God in him.SUPER CRITIC
And that entailed?MISANTHROPE
Not much. Just breaking his back.SUPER CRITIC
My God, don't you think that's a little extreme?MISANTHROPE
Not if you've sat through one of his performances.SUPER CRITIC
I don't like your methods, Misanthrope.MISANTHROPE
You and I are very much alike, Super Critic. Television is our religion, yet we have both fallen from the purer faith. Our methods have not differed as much as you pretend. I am but a shadowy reflection of you. It would take only a nudge to make you like me. To push you out of the light.SUPER CRITIC
Oooo-kaaay.MISANTHROPE
You know it's true.SUPER CRITIC
And on that note, I'll think I'll go say hello to the mysterious and alluring Catty Woman.
SUPER CRITIC begins walking away.
MISANTHROPE
You know it's true, Super Critic! He knows it's true. He knows...PROFESSOR EXASPERATED
(to the Misanthrope)
So what kind of material did Tony Danza sing?MISANTHROPE
Mostly stuff by Louie Prima.PROFESSOR EXASPERATED
Really?!MISANTHROPE
I know... makes sick inside just thinking about it.
SUPER CRITIC walks over to the table where CATTY WOMAN is having a glass of wine.
SUPER CRITIC:
Is this seat taken?CATTY WOMAN
No.SUPER CRITIC
May I... take it?CATTY WOMAN
It's a free country.
SUPER CRITIC sits down.
SUPER CRITIC
Long time, no see. Where have you been hiding out, baby?CATTY WOMAN
Have you put on weight? It's looks like you've put on some weight.SUPER CRITIC
Ouch! The Catty Woman's claws are always out. Baby, why are you so mean to me?CATTY WOMAN
Sometimes I just feel the need to draw a little blood.SUPER CRITIC
So beautiful, and yet so cold and remorseless.CATTY WOMAN
Would you love me any other way?SUPER CRITIC
Of course not.CATTY WOMAN
So have you seen The Weakest Link?SUPER CRITIC
I flipped through it for a few minutes.CATTY WOMAN
What did you think?SUPER CRITIC
No much. The host is a little too smug for my taste.CATTY WOMAN
Maybe somebody ought to take her down a peg.SUPER CRITIC
Maybe somebody should. Are you making a suggestion?CATTY WOMAN
Just thinking aloud.SUPER CRITIC
Maybe we could team up and do it together...CATTY WOMAN
Are you making a suggestion?SUPER CRITIC
Just... thinking aloud.
SUPER CRITIC and CATTY WOMAN stare silently in to each other's eyes for moment. And then begin kissing each other madly, going at it right on the table. THE MISANTHROPE watches the couple make out from afar.
MISANTHROPE
(yelling)
Get a room!
Additional contributions to this article by: James Collier.
