We watch... so you don't have to.
Super Critic and Cynic Boy: The Wrath of Bochco
BOCHCO
You're too late, caped blunderers! With this nuclear material I stole from the San Onofre Power plant, I can now power my time machine!SUPER CRITIC
The time continuum is not something to be trifled with lightly, Bochco!CYNIC BOY
Even the smallest change could have great ramifications to the future!BOCHCO
Oh, I'm betting on it, fools. That is why I shall travel back into the past, and prevent my greatest blunder: the creation of Cop Rock!SUPER CRITIC
(relieved)
Cop Rock? Is that what all this nonsense is about? Why didn't you say so in the first place?CYNIC BOY
Yeah, we'd have helped, for chrissakes.BOCHCO
(confused)
What?SUPER CRITIC
Go with our blessing. And when you get back, maybe we can get a bite to eat.BOCHCO
What?CYNIC BOY
Go! Go! Destroy! Destroy!BOCHCO
You're not going to even make a feeble attempt to stop me?SUPER CRITIC
Why break a sweat? I mean, it's only Cop Rock. An insignificant blip of a show, at best.BOCHCO
Bastard! Are you saying that the destruction of Cop Rock would have no effect on the history of television! It was the first AND only weekly television show that was a musical!SUPER CRITIC
Blip.CYNIC BOY
So are you going to destroy the show or what?BOCHCO
(bitterly)
No, I've had a change of heart -- I shall now destroy a show that both of you love. That is why I shall go back in time, and prevent the birth of John Ritter! It will be as if Three's Company never existed.SUPER CRITIC
Or Hooperman.CYNIC BOY
I could live with that.BOCHCO
Damn you! All right then... I shall go back in time and prevent Gary Coleman from guest-starring on The Jeffersons. As any imbecile would know, his star-making turn trading barbs with Sherman Helmsley led to NBC creating Diff'rent Strokes to showcase acerbic wit. No Gary Coleman on The Jeffersons, no Diff'rent Strokes.
BOCHCO looks at our heroes for any sign of outrage.
SUPER CRITIC
I don't know... is it just me, or am I the only person who never really bought into the whole Gary Coleman mania? I mean that thing with the "whatchoo talkin' 'bout" was funny at first, but over time it got to be...CYNIC BOY
Redundant?SUPER CRITIC
Exactly.CYNIC BOY
You know boss, I felt that Gary never really pushed himself as much as he should have as an actor.SUPER CRITIC
He always stayed in that safe place.CYNIC BOY
Exactly. Case in point: "The Kid from Left Field." That could have been a great movie.SUPER CRITIC
You're joking, right?CYNIC BOY
I'm serious!SUPER CRITIC
Cynic Boy, remember your training...CYNIC BOY
I'm telling you boss, in the right hands--BOCHCO
Silence! Since neither of you can agree on Gary Coleman, I shall destroy a show that I know you both of you must love! I shall go back in time and prevent the creation of the classic television show M*A*S*H.SUPER CRITIC
Eh... I always found Alan Alda to be rather preachy. And I never really liked any of the episodes after Trapper John left...CYNIC BOY
Personally, I always felt that the show lost its edge when they switched from shooting on location to a soundstage.SUPER CRITIC
So true...BOCHCO
I see what you two are doing. You're playing an elaborate mind game in an attempt to slowly but surely drive me insane. But it won't work! I'm on to your little plan!SUPER CRITIC
Looks like we've been outfoxed, chum...CYNIC BOY
(to Bochco)
I bow to the superior intellect...
BOCHCO looks at our heroes suspiciously.
BOCHO
This is a part of the mind game, isn't it? You, in fact, want me to destroy M*A*S*H, don't you?SUPER CRITIC
That's absurd!BOCHO
But why? Of course... of course!!! Hello Larry! You want me to prevent McLean Stevenson from ever appearing on Hello Larry.CYNIC BOY
Dammit!BOCHO
I won't do your dirty work. That's why I shall go back in time and destroy.... No... no... it starred Stephen Weber, I'd be playing into their hands. Hmm... I shall go back in time and prevent the creation of Seinfeld!
BOCHCO looks at our heroes with a smug look. SUPER CRITIC just shrugs.
BOCHCO
(exasperated)
Oh, come on! How can you not like Seinfeld? It was brilliant! Brilliant!!!SUPER CRITIC
It's not so much the show...CYNIC BOY
...it's those American Express commercials. They're really annoying.BOCHCO
Oh, sweet Jesus! Take me in!SUPER CRITIC
But what about your diabolical plan?BOCHCO
I have a new plan. Some R&R at the peaceful confines of the Aaron Spelling Asylum for the Critically Insane.
BOCHCO turns himself over to our heroes.
CYNIC BOY
(disappointed)
Well, this was certainly anti-climactic.SUPER CRITIC
I'll say...
Fade to black.
Additional contributions to this article by: James Collier.
