We watch... so you don't have to.
The Astounding Adventures of Super Critic and Cynic Boy!
SUPER CRITIC and CYNIC BOY are sitting in recliners watching television.
SUPER CRITIC
Dreadful, absolutely dreadful...CYNIC BOY
... and to think, Geena Davis actually had a promising career!SUPER CRITIC
So sad. So sad... but Geena's got to pay the bills, I guess...
Right at that moment the HOTLINE buzzes.
CYNIC BOY
The hotline!
SUPER CRITIC and CYNIC BOY run to the hotline and put the COMMISSIONER on the speaker phone.
SUPER CRITIC
Commissioner!COMMISSIONER
Super critic, we have a situation!SUPER CRITIC
What's the problem?COMMISSIONER
It's John Lithgow... he's overacting again!CYNIC BOY
Lithgow! Talk about being in between a rock and a hard place!
SUPER CRITIC shoots CYNIC BOY a disapproving glare.
CYNIC BOY
Sorry boss, I couldn't resist.SUPER CRITIC
Commissioner, we're on our way! Cynic Boy, to the Criticmobile!
SUPER CRITIC and CYNIC BOY run to the Criticmobile, jump in, and race off to a taping of 3rd Rock From the Sun.
INT. TELEVISION STUDIO. - JOHN LITHGOW is gesturing wildly while swinging around a GIANT RUBBER CHICKEN. Several staff members and security men are unsuccessfully attempting to restrain him. Each time someone gets close to him, LITHGOW pummels them with the CHICKEN, forcing their retreat.
LITHGOW
(wild-eyed)
NO ONE CAN HAVE MY CHICKEN! IT IS MY LOVER! MY FRIEND! MY CONFIDANTE! THE CHICKEN, YOU WILL NEVER POSSESS HER! NEEEEEEEVEEEEEEEER!
Right at that moment, SUPER CRITIC and CYNIC BOY run in the studio. The others back away, to let them defuse the situation. They approach slowly as not to spook LITHGOW.
SUPER CRITIC
Lithgow!LITHGOW
WELL, WELL, WELL, IF IT ISN'T SUPER CRITIC AND HIS BILE-SPEWING SIDEKICK, CYNIC BOY!SUPER CRITIC
Put the chicken down, Lithgow!LITHGOW
NEEEEEEEVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEERRRRRR!CYNIC BOY
It's for your own good!
LITHGOW clutches the chicken close to his body and begins stroking it.
LITHGOW
YOU CAN NEVER POSSESS HER OR HER MAGICAL POWERS!CYNIC BOY
(to Super Critic)
Magical powers? He's off his Rocker!
SUPER CRITIC shoots CYNIC BOY a disapproving glare.
CYNIC BOY
Sorry boss. What'll we do?SUPER CRITIC
Pepper spray.
SUPER CRITIC and CYNIC BOY both pull out pepper spray from their belts and spray LITHGOW's eyes.
LITHGOW
MY EYES! ARRRRRRGGGGHHH! IT BUUUUUUUURNS! IT BUUUURRRRRRNNNNSSSSS!
LITHGOW crumples in a heap.
SUPER CRITIC
(to the 3rd Rock staff)
Take him away...CYNIC BOY
It's so sad to see a man with his talent piss it away like that, Boss.SUPER CRITIC
Some actors are made of sterner stuff, chum. Lithgow couldn't handle the pressure. But hopefully a stay at the Spelling Asylum will quiet the demon that rages inside him.CYNIC BOY
And if it doesn't?SUPER CRITIC
In these modern times, old chum, either everything is a moral question or there are no moral questions. Nowadays, there are no compromises... or there are only compromises. Never influenced, we shall keep our vigil. We will never let up. We will never surrender. We will always be watching.CYNIC BOY
Uh, Boss? You lost me there...
Right at that moment, SUPER CRITIC's wrist-watch communicator begins beeping.
CYNIC BOY
The Commissioner!SUPER CRITIC
(to communicator)
Yes?COMMISSIONER
Super Critic, one of our sources just informed us that David E. Kelley is planning to do another crossover episode!CYNIC BOY
Crossover episode? Talk about overusing a practice!
SUPER CRITIC looks over at CYNIC BOY.
CYNIC BOY
Sorry.SUPER CRITIC
We'll get right on it, Commissioner... Super Critic out.CYNIC BOY
Time to visit our old friend David?SUPER CRITIC
Indeed it is old chum. Indeed it is...
INT. DAVID E. KELLEY'S LAB. - KELLEY is working at a computer when an ALARM goes off.
KELLEY
(to a man in the shadows)
Ah, visitors... see that they come to me undisturbed....
Moments later SUPER CRITIC and CYNIC BOY enter the lab.
KELLEY
Welcome... welcome! What honor do I owe this visit from such distinguished guests?SUPER CRITIC
Cut the crap, David. You know why we're here...KELLEY
Ah yes, my crossover episodes... I knew sooner or later you'd find out.CYNIC BOY
Episodes?KELLEY
(surprised)
Did you think I was only doing one? My ambitions are greater than that, I can assure you. I plan to crossover my shows with every show on every network. Even UPN!SUPER CRITIC
David, that is a task I'd venture is beyond even your prolific writing skills.KELLEY
For one David E. Kelley perhaps, but not for an army of David E. Kelleys.
KELLEY snaps his fingers and out of the shadows walk 50 David E. Kelley clones, all in lime green jump suits, each with an orange number corresponding to the order in which they were cloned.
SUPER CRITIC
You fiend!KELLEY
Honestly, how do you think I produce so many TV shows and still manage my marriage to Michelle Pfeiffer?SUPER CRITIC
Like most God-fearing Americans, though communication and a strong work ethic!KELLEY
(chuckling)
Your naivete surprises even me... GET THEM!
Suddenly the clones rush SUPER CRITIC and CYNIC BOY. They fight bravely, but are quickly overcome by the sheer number of clones. Subdued, they are strapped into chairs. All of the other clones leave save for NUMBER TWO. He and KELLEY stand at the main control panel.
SUPER CRITIC
You won't get away with this, David!KELLEY
But I already have. Number Two, show them.NUMBER TWO
Yes, master.
NUMBER TWO punches some buttons on the control panel. A giant wall of TVs rises from the floor. On the monitors are various television shows with characters from Kelley shows making guest appearances.
KELLEY
As you can see, my characters are already causing major changes on the television landscape. Everybody Loves Raymond? Sorry, Raymond is on a vacation... a permanent one. Will & Grace? In prison. Dharma & Greg? Oooh, looks like Dharma is on Death Row... for the murder of her husband. How tragic.SUPER CRITIC
You're a madman! David, you can't do this! The average television viewer expects to see familiar characters in familiar settings doing vaguely familiar things week after week after week!CYNIC BOY
Things never change! All loose ends get neatly wrapped up at the end of the episode! It's the unwritten broadcasters' covenant! To break it would cause wholesale chaos!KELLEY
Yes, it will. And in that whirlwind, there will be a clamoring for new leadership. And then my minions and I will grasp the mantle and seize power! And then I, David E. Kelley, will control every television show being broadcast!SUPER CRITIC
But your logic is flawed, old friend...KELLEY
Oh, I think not.SUPER CRITIC
David, have you really thought this through? I mean, having all of your characters appear on every television show -- that sounds like a logistical nightmare.CYNIC BOY
And have you gotten all of your actors to sign off on this?KELLEY
Well, uh, I, um...SUPER CRITIC
And what about cost overruns? These crossover episodes tend to be a bit more expensive than your average everyday show. Have the network suits signed off on these extra expenses? Or is the studio going to pick them up?
(chuckling)
I mean, you weren't planning on paying for this out of your own pocket were you?KELLEY
(chuckling nervously)
No... no, of course not... that would be truly insane.CYNIC BOY
More like Ally McNuts!
SUPER CRITIC shoots CYNIC BOY a look.
CYNIC BOY
Come on boss, it would be...SUPER CRITIC
I'd say. So the networks are picking up the additional costs, then.KELLEY
Well, um...CYNIC BOY
Oh, the studio is picking up the additional costs...KELLEY
Well, not exactly... we're in the talking stages....SUPER CRITIC
Oh my God. David, you're paying for this yourself!CYNIC BOY
I can't believe you'd leave yourself exposed like that. I mean, what if this plan doesn't pan out? My God! You'd be ruined!KELLEY
It's just the initial expenses. I'm working on a deal. They're forthcoming.SUPER CRITIC
What about the actors' strike? Have you factored that into your plan?KELLEY
My sources tell me negotiations are progressing...SUPER CRITIC
David, the strike's a lock. People are planning vacations. For Chrissakes, half of Hollywood is gonna be out of the country...KELLEY
Yes, I admit that is going to pose some difficulties...CYNIC BOY
Dave, baby, get your head out of your ass. No talent means no new episodes. Period. End of plan.SUPER CRITIC
And let's not forget the writers' strike...CYNIC BOY
Whew! That one's gonna be ugly.SUPER CRITIC
You weren't planning to go against your own union and cross the picket line, were you?CYNIC BOY
My God, David E. Kelley, TV's biggest writer -- a scab! How would you live that down?!KELLEY
I'm not crossing the picket line!SUPER CRITIC
Smart move... smart move.. I mean, what a scandal that would be!CYNIC BOY
Speaking of scandal, all of your clones... they're all card-carrying, dues-paying members of the union, right? This isn't some sort of sweatshop operation is it?KELLEY
We're working on that....SUPER CRITIC
My God, David... you've been employing these clones, having them write for your shows and they're not in the union? David, when the press gets a hold of that, they're gonna murder you! It's gonna be a bloodbath!CYNIC BOY
I wanna see you spin your way out of that one, pal!
Awkward silence.
KELLEY
Dear God, what have I done?
KELLEY flees the lab in a panic, leaving SUPER CRITIC, CYNIC BOY and NUMBER TWO alone.
NUMBER TWO
Um, I guess I should let you guys go, huh?SUPER CRITIC
That would be a good idea.
NUMBER TWO presses a button that releases them. Our heroes stretch a little and turn to leave.
NUMBER TWO
Is the master really ruined?SUPER CRITIC
Naaaah, Dave always lands on his feet. I mean, look what happened after that whole Snoops mishap.CYNIC BOY
That was a total disaster! I mean, that show was dead before it was even got out of the starting gate!SUPER CRITIC
Horrible... horrible. But Dave came back with Boston Public. Oh yeah, he'll be all right.NUMBER TWO
Uh, he didn't write Snoops...SUPER CRITIC
No?NUMBER TWO
(meekly)
Uh, I did.SUPER CRITIC
Ah, geez... hey, it happens to the best of us.CYNIC BOY
Fall off that horse, you just gotta get back in the saddle... that's what I always say!SUPER CRITIC
Yeah. Yeah... well... we gotta get going.
SUPER CRITIC and CYNIC BOY quickly leave the lab. Once they are out of NUMBER TWO's earshot, our heroes pause to have a quick exchange.
SUPER CRITIC
(amazed)
Snoops! What a hack!CYNIC BOY
Poor bastard, he's never gonna live that one down.SUPER CRITIC
You're telling me....
Fade to black.
Additional contributions to this article by: James Collier.
