The WB: Nothin' But Nikki Cox

I've never been shy about that. You show me a girl with a nice pair of funbags^* reading the telephone book for half an hour, and well, I'm in heaven. And if, say, she also happened to be wearing some nice lingerie while lounging on a bearskin rug while reading that telephone book, all the better.

That this scenario doesn't exist as a prime-time television show is a goddamned crime.

But that's okay. Because Nikki Cox is going to have a sitcom on The WB this fall.

Nikki Cox. That red-headed actress with a name and a body like a porn star. Nikki Cox. The former star of the WB's Unhappily Ever After. Nikki Cox. The woman who, single-handedly, got me to watch the mediocre ABC sitcom Norm this season.

Nikki Cox. Ah, sweet bliss... Yessir, I tell ya, things are beginning to look up at ol' Dubya-Bee.

Look no further than Sunday nights on the netlet. Not only do you get Nikki, the WB genuises have moved all their black-themed shows to that night. And they've picked up The PJs from Fox while adding the sketch comedy show, Hype.

This is a masterstroke of a move. Being African-American, I know something about the black mentality. On Sunday evenings, we black folk always have a dinner like fried chicken or pot roast, mashed potatoes or rice, with some gravy, collard greens or sweet peas, corn bread or biscuits, and some cobbler or pie or cake with some ice cream -- or if it's an extra special Sunday, sweet potato pie.

After a meal like that, most black people slip into semi-conscious stupor in front of the TV for two or three hours, barely able to move, much less change the channel. And what will they want to watch as they slip into that vegetative state? All dem funny black shows on The WB!

Now I know what you're thinking: is James being sarcastic or sincere about the WB moving all of its "urban" shows to Sunday as nothing short of pure brilliance? To be honest, half of the time I don't even know anymore... but I think... I'm being... sarcastic.

However, on Mondays the suits at the WB are teaming up the recently reprieved Roswell with the always solid 7th Heaven. This is actually a good move. No, this is a goddamned great move. I haven't seen a move this smart since Fox moved X-Files from Fridays to Sundays.

Roswell is the sort of show that if the network just leaves alone, those teen aliens are going to have the sort of following that Mr. Mulder and Ms. Scully enjoy. You read it here first. Now go tell your friends. And those of you keeping a scorecard at home... I... I'm being... hmmn... such an odd, tingling sensation... I'm actually being sincere!

Not much needs to be said about the Tuesday night Buffy/Angel power block, other than they had the good sense not to fuck around with it. But Wednesday has me a little concerned.

The folks at The WB have decided to let Jack & Jill and Felicity share the 9 p.m. spot. A small part of me thinks this is a cool move -- 35 straight weeks of new shows with no reruns. But a large part of me thinks that this is bad move, like the old Saturday morning cartoon The Batman/Tarzan Adventure Hour. Oh sure, you get a little Batman, you get a little Tarzan, and sometimes as a special treat you even get a little Zorro. But the thing is, the Batman fans aren't happy, the Tarzan fans have their panties in a bunch, and you never really get a good chance to connect with that Zorro character.

And I guess I'd have to score that one as... sincere. I think I'm going to be sick.

Now, on Thursdays they're trotting out The Gilmore Girls, a show about a mother and a daughter who not only are best friends, but look as if they could be sisters! Wow. I think I'm going to have to set my VCR on record for this one. I mean, it just sounds so original. So cutting-edge. So fucking courageous. So strangely Judd-like. This is the sort of family-friendly programming that I've been begging the networks to do for years! If only someone had the courage to bring back Zorro & Son.

Yep. Back to being sarcastic. Though I tell ya, that Zorro & Son could have worked out if CBS had given it time to find an audience.

I look at the Friday lineup of Sabrina, The Teenage Witch, Grosse Pointe, and Popular and words fail me. I try to find words that are pithy, caustic, and informed to describe what I think. And the only thing that comes is: "Man, those two chicks from Popular are some fine-ass ladies. Can't wait 'til that sweeps month episode when the two of them sit around on a bearskin rug reading through the Yellow Pages."

Like I said, I'm a weak man.