We watch... so you don't have to.
The Whore of Sunnydale
But I digress.
See, I'm an Australian. And, yes, this seems an irrelevant piece of information, but I assure you, it is most pertinent. Because being an Australian and a Buffy fan is bloody hard. The show languishes late at night on an entirely unexpected network, keeps getting pre-empted by nonsensical documentaries, and we're way behind the U.S. when it comes to episode sequence.
So, as one is wont to do when one is a sad, pitiful shell of humanity whose raison d'etre is an American teen-based television show, I hopped on the Net to seek out something, anything, to satiate my freakish Buffy appetite. Site after site promised to be the most comprehensive guide to the Slayer-verse ever compiled. Great stuff.
But then -- oh, dear Lord, then -- I made a fateful decision that I will ever regard as a turning point in what I laughingly consider my life: I clicked on a link that said "Fan Fiction."
The result? Stories with titles like "In the Arms of Angel" and "The Love of a Slayer." And I innocently figured, what the hell? A little Angel/Buffy action to quench the thirst of a Buffy fan in the midst of Australia's TV drought. Why not?
How foolish I was then.
Here's my advice. Should you ever, ever visit a fan fiction site with the intent to actually read the stuff, then you'll be wise to set aside any semblance of rational thought. Abandon sense, all ye who enter here. This is not a realm for the faint-hearted, the innocent, or the weak-stomached. Here Chaos rules, and his minions revel with gleeful unconcern in other peoples' playgrounds. Dark forces are at work, and, man, do they scare me.
It's official, folks. Angel, our beautiful, brooding, Sensitive New Age Demon, is the town whore of Sunnydale.
Because in the world of Fan Fiction, Angel is a bit more frisky than in the Joss Whedon-approved world we all love. In these devilish, Godforsaken tales, he has slept with pretty much everyone who ever lived. Faith. Willow. Spike. Even Buffy's mom. And all with apparent enthusiasm. He is voracious, an animal, never satisfied with one partner when he can have four.
But he's not the only one getting lucky. Buffy and Cordelia are a popular and prolific couple. There's Giles' tender relationship with Willow. And if those images haven't made you swear off the hard stuff, consider the good lovin' between Giles and... Xander.
I'll pause here until you're finished retching.
Even dead characters are getting into the act. Murdered by Angel two years ago, computer teacher Jenny Calendar has had more resurrections than Dr. Who and is getting more than Dirk Diggler. Principal Snyder does it with Buffy. The Master gets jiggy with the giant Praying Mantis Lady.
Damn you, you sick bastards! Damn you all to hell!
But as terrifying (and yet strangely amusing) as the world of Buffy fan fiction is, I've got to admit that the world of the Hellmouth wasn't my first foray into the minds of hormone-driven, acne-ridden, one-hand typists who make up fan fiction's legion of artistes.
No, that honor belongs to Star Trek. A few years back, cruising the Trek pages (as one did before Voyager started to really suck), I followed a mysterious path of links to reach a story I have not yet, despite counseling, been able to repress.
Kirk and Spock are in the Captain's quarters. Kirk and Spock are drinking Saurian brandy. Kirk and Spock are doing... what?!!
I had unknowingly stumbled into the seminal -- ha! -- subject of sexual fan fiction. The blockbuster. The one that started it all.
Apparently -- and who'd have thought it? -- there are people out there, good, decent-living people like you and me (well, no, probably not like me), who have somehow gotten it into their minds that the beloved Captain Kirk and Mr. Logic himself, Commander Spock, have got some serious chemistry going on.
This really shifted my paradigm. I think Kirk and Spock, I don't think K-Y Jelly (or the outer-space equivalent). The whole thing is wrong, and on so many levels. In fact, we may well have run out of levels.
And I'm not even mentioning the, uh, next generation of those stories. Other than to say that Captain Picard apparently has a good reason for calling Riker "Number One."
Once I had turned over this particular rock, I couldn't escape it. This stuff is everywhere. And, sadly, it does not end with cult television.
Rachel and Monica. And in a threesome with Phoebe. Ally and Nell, Pacey and Dawson, Joey and Dawson's dad. Meanwhile, in a whole other demographic (so far, and yet such a similar state of mind), the entire cast of The Bold and The Beautiful shows that Young and Restless crowd a thing or two.
We knew that network programmers got aroused by pairing up members of different casts in sweeps month crossover episodes. But did you know that fan sex fiction writers do the same? Witness Seven of Nine doing it with that unconvincing Russian Jeri Ryan played on Dark Skies. Xena and Ivanova. Dr. Ross and Dr. Kronk. Will does Josh. Homer does Wilma.
And lest we forget, Angel does everybody.
There is one positive thing I will say about this sort of writing: Having read quite a lot of it, I am now thoroughly unshockable.
Hell, if i can read about Babylon 5's Sheridan and G'Kar gettin' it on...
Hey! Wait a minute. I don't think I've ever read that one. At last, an inspiration! Hmm. I wonder if there'd be enough room for them to do that in a Starfury?
