We watch... so you don't have to.
Pamela Anderson, Totally Nude!
For the month of December, far and away the most popular article on this Web site was a malignant little polyp called "Tori Spelling, Pathfinder." This, 'round the TeeVee Headquarters and Command Bunker, was the cause of much head-scratching, even after the traditional Christmas delousing.The article itself is terrible; unfunny, badly written and damned near pointless. It's sole reason for existing is the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" joke, and to this day it remains TeeVee's head-on-a-pike, a dire warning to any contributor who thinks that writing should be done late at night. "Tori Spelling, Pathfinder" is the sort of thing that our editor will stick on the front page simply to keep the "Updated Occasionally" banner flying proudly. In a word, it's garbage.
But the fact remains: it's the biggest draw we have. What the hell is going on?
If we've learned anything from TV -- and we swear we were trying not to -- it's that quality matters little in the New Media Age. You can make the best damned show or site or corned beef sandwich in the world and, ultimately, it doesn't matter one bit. Anybody who cares about quality gave up on TV and the Web and corned beef a long time ago. The fact that our top article is crap is irrelevant. Irrelevant, I tell you! Irrelevant!
What has put "Pathfinder" at Number One is exactly the same thing that put Baywatch there, and you're probably holding it in your hand right now. Our referrer logs show that most of you deviants have visited this site after looking up "Tori Spelling Nude" on search engines.
I mean, come on. Tori Spelling? Eeeyugh.
But -- and we're simply being totally hypocritical when we say this -- ratings are ratings, and we're just as approval-starved as any television executive. We're counting on your TV-addled brains to forget that we've ever criticized cheap, share-grabbing stunts because that's pretty much what this article is. If it's vague allusions to artificially enhanced, bleach-blonde bimbos you want, then, dammit, it's vague allusions to artificially enhanced, bleach-blonde bimbos you'll get. Vox populi!
And while throwing in pointless jiggle shots might be difficult when you consider that the only contributors to this Web site with two X chromosomes also have a Y, we can still put names prominently in titles, for easy search-engine access. And since we don't care if you actually like the site, as long as you visit, we can pad the text with sweaty, unfulfilled promises: Pamela Anderson, totally nude! Pamela Anderson, totally nude! Pamela Anderson, totally nude!
Like you expected anything more from something called TeeVee.
